The enigmatic bolster pillow

"So are you going to come out to your mother on this trip?" I ask boyfriend K last month.

We're about to embark on a month long holiday to Asia :-). The plan is to visit several countries, including a couple of weeks in boyfriend K's home country. And as part of the itinerary in boyfriend K's home country, we'll be spending some time with his family.

"Of course not!" answers boyfriend K, with a very defensive tone in his voice.

"Each time I meet your mother, and each time she sees us spending time together, I get even more convinced that she knows anyway," I say, trying to make it seem like less of a hurdle for him.

"Well she doesn't know," replies boyfriend K with a firm tone in his voice. "As you know, I've told my sister, but that's as far as I need to go."

"How can you be so sure that your mother doesn't know?" I ask, as usual feeling slightly perplexed by his certainty on this subject, "she's a smart woman."

"Oh just leave me alone!"

I decide to leave him alone.

I know that coming out as gay to one's family is a very difficult topic for Asian guys. Often it boils down to the fact that they don't want to disappoint their families. However, two of boyfriend K's gay male friends from his home country have managed to come out to their mothers. And in various conversations, they've both told me and boyfriend K that their families accepted the news, and that their lives have been much easier since they came out.

A week later, just after the start of the holiday, and there are eight of us having dinner in a smart Asian-European fusion restaurant in the city where we're staying for a few days. However, the only women at the table are boyfriend K's mother and his sister. In addition to me and boyfriend K, there's boyfriend K's brother, another gay male couple called M and D, and also a single gay man. To my eyes, M and D are quite obviously gay and a quite obviously a couple.

"So how long have you and boyfriend K been together now?" asks M during the meal, oblivious to the fact that boyfriend K's family aren't meant to know that he's gay.

"It'll soon be two and a half years :-)," I answer, glancing sideways at boyfriend K to see whether he's worried about his family overhearing this conversation. But he seems unperturbed. I know why. He's just as convinced that his mother and brother speak no English as he is that they have no idea about his sexuality!

After dinner, I end up chatting a bit to M, out of earshot of the others.

"Did you know that boyfriend K doesn't want his mother or brother to know that he's gay?" I ask.

"What??" replies M, sounding completely amazed, "Of course she knows."

"Mothers always know!" he adds, nodding his head knowingly.

"Well, I tend to agree. Boyfriend K has been in denial about this ever since I've known him."

"Actually, you're very lucky," says M, changing the subject slightly, "because she's warm towards you :-). As you know, I've had various Asian boyfriends. Sometimes I've not even been allowed to meet their mothers."

"I know the feeling," I say, "because I was never allowed to meet ex-boyfriend T's family. In fact, I wasn't even allowed to meet any of his friends :-(".

"Well with one of my ex boyfriends, I sometimes used to meet his mother, and she was always quite cold towards me. But I can see that things are fine for you, with boyfriend K's mother :-)."

A few days later and me and boyfriend K are spending a night in his mother's house, before flying off in the morning to the next country in our itinerary. We're always given the same bedroom whenever we stay in his mother's house, and when I walk into the room, the usual scene greets me. There's a double bed, and dividing the bed into two halves is a bolster pillow:

But this time, I start to wonder what the enigmatic bed bolster signifies. After all, would boyfriend K's mother leave a bolster down the middle of the bed if we were a straight couple? After mulling the situation over in my mind for a while, I decide that there are three interesting possibilities:

1. I'm wrong and boyfriend K's mother doesn't know that we're a gay couple, or at least she's not sure. So the bolster is to prevent two straight guys from being embarrassed when they share a bed together.
2. I'm right and boyfriend K's mother does know that we're a gay couple, but she wants to send us a message that she doesn't like the idea of amorous gay activities taking place in her house.
3. I'm right and boyfriend K's mother does know that we're a gay couple, but she knows that her son thinks that she doesn't know, and she wants to go along with the charade to avoid any difficult moments.

There is of course a fourth possibility, namely that the bed has that bolster on it just because it always does, in which case there's no enigma after all :-(. However, I prefer to think that my third possibility is the truth :-). Boyfriend K's mother was a business woman when she was younger, so there's no doubt that she's very smart.

Looking to the future, it's possible that boyfriend K's mother will make a trip to visit us in London this summer. If so, she'll see that there's no bolster pillow on our bed. I'll also suggest that boyfriend K's mother meets some of my family while she's in the UK. Although I'd much prefer boyfriend K to come out to his family, I'm also mildly curious to see how absurd the situation can become!

The difficulties of living with a Thai boyfriend

An English guy I know called M started dating a Thai guy called J last summer, and within a few months, they had moved in to live together. I don't see M very often, but last week the two of us went out for dinner on our own to catch up with each other. I arrive at the restaurant first, so I install myself at the bar and start looking at their wine list while I wait for M to arrive.

"Hi GB," says M suddenly, "good to see you :-)."

"Hey M :-), " I answer, "good to see you too! I was just perusing their wine list, so I didn't see you come in."

"Find anything good?" asks M.

"Well, look at this. A 2007 Latricières-Chambertin for £155 a bottle. But Grand Cru red Burgundy should generally be much older than that before it's sensible to drink them, don't you think?"

"I don't know, GB," replies M smirking, "I think you're a bit of a wine snob sometimes! It's probably a very nice bottle :-)."

We decide to sit at the bar for G+T aperitifs, and once we've ordered our drinks we start chatting.

"How's it going with J?" I ask.

"Mostly fine," answers M with a slightly hesitant voice.

"Hmmm," I say, sensing a slight reluctance in M to open up, "*mostly* fine doesn't sound too good :-|. What does the *mostly* mean?"

"Well, sometimes J can be absolutely impossible!" replies M, "so I can't help thinking that it's not going to last. But I can't bring myself to break up with him. A lot of the time he's absolutely adorable. When he's being difficult, I just think of his gorgeous pert naked male body and that always makes me feel better :-)."

Without doubt M's boyfriend J is quite cute, so for a second or two I enjoy imagining what J must look like when he's lying naked on a bed prior to activities.

"Perhaps, M, it's you who's the difficult one?" I ask, playing devil's advocate. "In any case, you don't seem to have a very good track record recently of finding suitable boyfriends."

"That's last comment certainly has some truth in it, GB!"

I decide to try and get a bit more alcohol into M before asking any more about his relationship with J, so I start talking about some of our mutual friends while we finish our G+T's.

A little later, the restaurant staff invite us to sit down at a table and order some food. As usual, I'm more interested in the wine list!

"So do you fancy that young Burgundy then?" I ask M.

"If you think it's too young, what about a decent claret instead?" suggests M.

"Well they've got Talbot 2000 for £125, that should be OK. I've got a few bottles of that in my wine cellar at home, and I reckon it's drinking quite well at the moment :-)."

"Then Talbot 2000 it is!" replies M, seeming anxious not to make too much fuss about the wine.

We place orders for food and the wine, and a bit later, I start asking about J again.

"Do you think there's a bit of a culture clash between you and J?" I ask at a suitable point in the conversation.

"Well like you GB, I like having Asian boyfriends :-). I think it's fascinating learning about their culture, and of course all the Asian countries are different. Most Thais are Buddhists, and that does give them a different outlook on life to guys like us who were brought up in the UK."

"I know some Thai guys and their mostly pretty chilled :-)," I say. "I always remember the Buddhist saying 'Today is better than two tomorrows'".

"Yeah, that saying is perfect because it explains why they're all so spontaneous. They do often focus on Now, i.e. Today rather than Tomorrow, which in many ways is a great way to live. It is a potential source of conflict between me and J, because I think a bit of forward planning doesn't hurt. But I'm happy to be more spontaneous so I don't think that that aspect has ever been a problem."

"The problem," continues M, opening up a bit now, "is that his spontaneous nature means that when J is upset, his memory is very short. If I accidently upset him, he'll focus on the Now which is being upset, and forget all the positive things about our relationship and all the good things that I've done for him. Since we got back from Thailand a few months ago, we seem to have a serious mis-understanding about once a week. So once a week we go through an episode where he'll want to split up with me :-(. But then he calms down, the J that I love reappears, and everything settles down. The highs and lows in terms of the way he feels about me are much more extreme than anything that I've experienced before."

"But what causes the mis-understandings?" I ask.

"Sometimes there is a communication problem," replies M. "J's English is reasonable, but he's not native. Sometimes he'll be a bit lazy when talking to me and won't be sufficiently explicit. I'll then try and guess what he meant, and if I get it wrong, that can cause a problem."

"But sometimes," continues M, "I'm at a complete loss as to what's going on in his mind. The most ridiculous incident occurred a couple of weeks ago when our rubbish bin in the kitchen needed repairing because the lid wouldn’t stay closed. The spare part that was needed arrived and I asked J not to try and sort it out, because I'd already asked someone else to do it and I didn't want J to waste his time. That simple request caused a lot of problems. Two days later when he'd calmed down, I had a chat with him and I *think* he became upset because he thought that I thought he wasn't competent to do the repair. But to be honest, I'm still not sure! I've never ever suggested that he's incompetent about anything so why on earth would he ever think such a thing?"

"He's quite young isn't he?" I ask.

"Yes I know about your N/2+7 rule, GB," answers M, "and it's true that on that basis he is too young for me! But only just. Anyway, in a couple of years' time we'll be in compliance with that rule :-)."

"I'm not sure future compliance is relevant," I laugh.

"What about other stuff?" I continue, "For example, do you get on OK with each other's friends?"

"Yeah, I think we do actually," answers M. "One good thing is that all his Thai friends seem to like me :-). A few weeks ago, I went out for a drink with one of his closest friends when J was out working. The friend asked me nervously how solid me and J were. I said something like 'mostly OK', and I'm sure he understood the kind of problems that we were having because he went on to confide in me that he thinks J is sometimes a bit childish. Although I think I'd worked that out for myself!"

"Well that's a good sign," I say, "if you can have that kind of conversation with J's friends."

"In any case," says M, "I've very much fallen in love with J, so even though my logical brain sometimes tells me that I should split up with him, my heart won't let me! I fall in love far too easily, don't I?"

"Perhaps," I say, "but I don’t think there's anything wrong with that! Too many gay men won't commit to a relationship because they keep thinking that the next guy they get into bed with will be better than their current favourite. At least you don't have that problem :-)."

"Anyway," says M changing the subject, "how are you and boyfriend K?"

"Just like you, 'mostly OK' :-)," I answer cryptically, grinning at M.

I pour us both another glass of claret and tell M a bit about what's been going on with boyfriend K, but soon we're tired talking about our boyfriends and the conversation drifts on to other subjects.

"Well next time, let's not leave it so long before catching up!" I say to M at the end of the evening.

"Absolutely :-)," replies M. "It's been really good to see you GB!"

I'm not sure how long M and J will last. However, if any readers have any experience of gay relationships between English and Thai guys and you have any ideas that might make M and J's relationship work better, then please leave a comment and I'll pass it on :-).

Boyfriend K

It's 10 days into the holiday with my friend K and we're drinking champagne in our hotel suite before going out to dinner. We'd bought some champagne duty free at Heathrow airport, on the basis that wine is quite expensive to buy in the country where we were going. However, we hadn't got round to drinking it, so with the holiday nearing its end we decided to open a bottle.

"How do you think it's going between us?" I ask casually, looking K in the eye and smiling.

"Do we need to discuss this now?" asks K, nervously.

"I think we should," I answer, "because very soon it'll be the end of the holiday. I think we should start thinking about what, if anything, is going to happen when we get back to London."

"Well, sometimes you laugh far too loudly in public," says K grinning at me, "and then people look at us and I feel embarrassed!"

"But your heart is in the right place :-)," he continues, tapping his hand briefly on my upper chest where my heart is.

"For my part," I say, "sometimes you seem quite critical of me, but then a little while later you'll be very loving and even apologise for your critical comments."

"I always say exactly what I'm thinking," says K, "and it's sometimes not properly thought through. It's been quite a while since I've been in a relationship, with someone else to consider all the time."

"Overall I think we've got on very well together on this holiday :-)," I answer, "so I'm still very keen on you. I guess the next step would be to try living together when we get back to London?"

"OK," says K, thinking hard, "perhaps I should try moving my stuff into your house. Although for now, I think I should keep paying my rent in case things don't work out and I need to move back. Actually, there's at least one guy I know that might be interested in sub-letting from me."

"Yes, of course you should keep your place for now," I reply. "I can't think of any reason why it won't work between us, but there's still a lot that could go wrong!"

"Anyway," I continue, "if we're going to do this, let's try and get the move done over the next week or two. Now that we've got this far, I don't see any advantage in waiting."

The next morning we're on a train platform with some commuters, chatting about what we're going to be doing later in the day, when I decide to ask K a question.

"So when can we stop calling each other 'potential boyfriends' and just call each other 'boyfriends'?" I ask, smiling at him.

"Whenever you like :-)," answers K, very casually.

I think about his answer briefly, before asking him another question.

"So will you be my boyfriend?" I say, looking him directly in the eyes and with a big smile on my face.

"Aren't you going to get down on one knee and hold my hand to ask that?" answers K instantaneously, with a cheeky grin on his face.

One of the things that I adore about K is his quick wit. As soon as I realise what he's said, I burst out laughing loudly, and a few other people on the platform start looking at us. Slowly K starts moving away from me, in a comic attempt to put some distance between us.

"What a tragedy!" I say to K catching up with him, still with a smile on my face, "you'll be telling everyone 'I would have been GB's boyfriend, but it was impossible because he laughs too loudly in public!'"

"Things aren't going to be easy!" replies boyfriend K, "but hopefully it's going to be fun :-)."

An evening with ex-boyfriend R

A few days ago, it's late in the evening and ex-boyfriend R (a.k.a. boyfriend number 3) is visiting me in my home. Earlier I'd cooked a simple meal for us both, and now we're relaxing on the sofa in my sitting room, chatting easily.

"Why don't you lie down on the sofa," suggests ex-boyfriend R.

"Why?" I ask.

"Well, I need to go soon, but it would be nice to lie down on the sofa with you for a quick cuddle :-)."

I always enjoyed cuddles with ex-boyfriend R when we used to engage in activities with each other, so I get some cushions for my head and lie down as requested. Soon ex-boyfriend R is lying half on top of me and half to one side, and even though we've got all our clothes on, it's nice to feel the warmth of his body against mine.

"I'm not sure about this guy K that you like," says ex-boyfriend R after a pause. "I don't think it's right for him to ask to date you on an exclusive basis before you've even slept with each other. You shouldn't agree to it, because you shouldn't give people power over you."

A couple of weeks previously, my friend who has his first gay experience aged 13 had said exactly the same thing when we were out for dinner together. "Don't let other guys have power over you," he'd said, when we were discussing boyfriends. At the time it had seemed sensible, but when I thought about it, I realised that I disagreed. Whenever one has a boyfriend, one loses some independence, because one has to start taking some account of what one's boyfriend wants and needs. If one has got the right boyfriend then the benefits of the relationship outweigh the loss of independence. I can't help thinking that with the attitude of not conceding anything to a potential boyfriend, it's no coincidence that ex-boyfriend R and my friend who has his first gay experience aged 13 are both still single.

"But I'd have *power* over K too," I say to ex-boyfriend R while we're cuddling on my sofa, "because exclusive dating works both ways :-)."

"In any case," I continue, "cruising for activities with other guys is time consuming. I was quite happy not doing that when I was with ex-boyfriend T, so I don’t mind not doing that while I'm dating K either, just to try and work out whether a relationship with him could work."

"Also, the fact that in September you agreed to delay dating until early October seems strange too," counters ex-boyfriend R. "If you like each other, why didn't you start dating immediately?"

"Well I guess I agree with that," I concede.

"Actually," I continue, "I always wonder whether there are any unwritten rules for dating lots of different guys at the same time. I've had loads of hook-ups, dates and dinners over the last couple of months, but if I see someone more than once, I sometimes feel a bit guilty that I'm not being completely honest with them about how many guys I'm meeting."

"But while you're just dating, you can do what you like," answers ex-boyfriend R with an authoritative tone in his voice, "so there's nothing to feel guilty about!"

The good thing about ex-boyfriend R is that he's always got a firm view on this sort of question, even if I don't always agree with what he says! We lie there for a while, and then slowly, he starts to unbutton my shirt. But after two buttons he stops and slips one of his hands inside my shirt, and lays it gently on top of one of my pecs. I feel very relaxed with him so I don't say anything, and we just continue to lie there, enjoying each other's company.

"A couple of months ago," I say, "I was suggesting to another friend that although cuddling isn't as intimate as various other activities, if you've got a boyfriend I reckon that cuddling like this would still be cheating on him!"

"I think it depends what the intention is," replies ex-boyfriend R with an authoritative tone again. "Certainly if you keep all your clothes on and neither of you gets aroused then I reckon that you're not being unfaithful."

"But if you start to take each other's clothes off …" he continues, as he resumes unbuttoning my shirt, "then the intention is clearly for more intimacy, and then I think I'd agree with you :-)."

"I thought you had to go soon?" I giggle, without putting up any resistance, "Are you trying to seduce me?"

"I always used to like it when you visited me for fun!" replies ex-boyfriend R, without answering either question, "and I think you did too?"

"Perhaps we'd better go upstairs to my bedroom then. If any of the neighbours in the houses opposite are looking this way, I don't think they need to see exactly what we're doing!"

Fifteen minutes later and we're both completely naked, kissing and cuddling and playing with each other on my bed, just like we used to do all those years ago.

"Who'd have thought that we'd ever be doing this again!" laughs ex-boyfriend R.

"Well indeed," I answer with a big smile on my face, "I think it's been almost 6 years!"

I usually prefer subtle lighting for activities, and indeed, on this occasion as we were getting undressed I'd switched off all but the dimmest bedside light. However, a few minutes later ex-boyfriend R gets up and turns the bright main light on in the middle of the room.

"I think it's more horny to see EXACTLY what we're doing to each other :-)," he says, with a big grin on his face.

We take our time to enjoy ourselves thoroughly, and afterwards we climb under the duvet and naturally start cuddling each other again. While I'm holding him in my arms and dozing gently, feeling very satisfied, I start to remember how much I always enjoyed activities with ex-boyfriend R. It also occurs to me that when it comes to activities, ex-boyfriend R is probably the most experienced guy that I know!

Might I be able to find a boyfriend via this blog?

When I got up this morning, I discovered that someone had left a comment on my most recent post which asks a very interesting question:

GB, now that you're single again, how do we start applying to be your boyfriend?

Ages ago I did a couple of posts (1, 2) about meeting up with people who find me through this blog. Those posts suggest that I almost never do that, mainly because if someone has read my blog, they know so much more about me than I know about them. However, the truth is that I wrote those posts quite a long time ago, and recently I've increasingly been ignoring them!

The original exception that I made was for guys that also have blogs, so that I'm able to level the playing field by reading their blog. But in fact, I've also now met a few guys who first got in contact with me when they sent me requests for advice that I answered in "Dear GB" posts.

Although I don't think it makes sense to "apply" to my boyfriend, asking to meet up to see whether there's any basis for a friendship *might* be all right. The reason for my caution is that the original problem still exists, namely that anyone who's read my blog has effectively read my private diary, so something needs to be done to make things more even.

Regarding the guys that I met who had originally sent me requests for advice, I got to know them as a result of extended email conversations over a period of many months or even years. But it strikes me that it doesn't need to take that long. For example, these days a lot of people have facebook timelines, and that is a kind of blog. People also have dating profiles on sites like e.g. gaydar and all the others, and those profiles also give a lot of information about people.

Anyway, in summary, I guess the answer to the question is that these days I am prepared to meet people that have found me through this blog :-). Start by sending me an email. However, if anyone does want to meet me, please have a good idea about what you're going to do so that I can find out a lot about you in advance of any meeting!

Ex-boyfriend T

In the end, it happened over the course of a few days, without any real fuss. Since boyfriend T is currently working on a project overseas, we speak on Skype the day that I get back from my holiday. He wants me to do most of the talking.

"I just don't see any future for us :-(," I say with an emotional voice and with tears in my eyes, "or have I missed something?"

"But perhaps I should visit you for a night, or perhaps you should come back to the UK for a night, so we can talk face to face?" I suggest, "Before we make this decision that's going to have such a big effect on both our lives".

"OK," replies boyfriend T after a few seconds, but it really sounds as though he doesn't care.

"I've got an idea," I say, "just in case we can find some kind of reconciliation, I think we should leave it a week before formally breaking up, but after that I think we may as well start telling people."

And so the call ends.

He says that he doesn't read this blog, but he knows that as a result of the blog I sometimes give relationship advice to other guys. I worry in case he thinks that I'll be able to solve all our problems, so three days later I send him the following email:

FYI: I feel terrible that I have been able to help some of the guys who've emailed my blog for advice, but that I haven't been able to do anything to sort out our own problems. Perhaps the reason that I was sometimes able to help other guys was that they were actively seeking advice when they emailed me, and consequently that they had an open mind to suggestions. In any case, I don't blame you for wanting to live permanently in the closet, so I hope that we can still be friends. Divorce lawyers would probably call the reason for our split Irreconcilable differences. For me, the best way of making this official is posting something on facebook. Would you be OK with me posting the following within the next few days, visible to my friends only?

Just before bedtime, I spot him on Skype, so I decide to call him.

"Did you see the email I sent," I ask, "about posting the fact that we've split up on facebook? It's based on one of the 'life events' that they make available for people's timeline."

"Can you just do a standard little post, instead?" asks boyfriend T, quietly, "for me there's too much drama associated with that big box."

"Um, OK," I answer, "And actually, I don't see any point waiting. I'll draft it now and post it shortly, this evening, unless you've got a better suggestion?"

Boyfriend T doesn't say anything.

"Thanks for all the good times over the last four years," I say, starting to cry.

"Thanks for the nice memories," he replies.

"OK, I may as well hang up now and do this."

He doesn't raise any objection, so I hang up. But a minute later, I'm just about to post the news on my facebook timeline when he calls me back on Skype.

"A few days ago," he starts, "didn't you say that it would be good to meet face to face before we break up?"

"But do you really think there's any point?" I ask, "We're both clever guys, and we've both been wrestling with everything for years now. What else can we do?"

For me, the moment that I hung up on Skype, it was all over. Everything had already been said, so many times. There were no more discussions to have. All the arguments were over.

"I don't know," replies ex-boyfriend T.

"I just thought …" but he doesn't finish his sentence.

"OK," I say in a calm voice, "I'll post the news on facebook now and get it over with. Let me know when you're going to come back to the UK so we can sort out all the practicalities."

As soon as it's posted, and for the next couple of days, I get loads of messages from friends and family offering support. But all I can do is cry for ex-boyfriend T, worry about whether he's going to be OK. The only people who know that he's gay are my friends and my family. Whatever effect our break-up is having on ex-boyfriend T, he's having to go through it all on his own.

Epilogue 20-Oct-2013: Looking back at this post, I think it's an accurate description of how myself and ex-boyfriend T finally ended our relationship. However, my main memory now is how much I cried as I was writing it. I guess that's one of the benefits of blogging. Without doubt, going through all the emotions that writing this post brought out was the start of my healing process.

Anguish

(NB: anyone new to my blog should read this recent post to acquaint themselves with the some of the important people in my life).

The holiday with my Thai friend B is now over, and we've had a great time together :-). In spite of my friend Close Encounter's scepticism, I was indeed able to manage two platonic weeks with B while sleeping in the same room as him. However, I freely admit that my coping strategy for this involved a few crafty hand-shandy's, for example when B was asleep and snoring loudly in the adjacent bed! Two weeks on holiday in a completely different environment has given me time to think about my situation with boyfriend T.

One important thing that I've realised is that just because I'm in love with a guy, it doesn't mean that we're compatible to be each other's boyfriends, even if the other guy loves me too. With boyfriend number 1 back in 2008, although we both loved each other, the fact that I deceived him by pretending to be in a monogamous relationship with him when I was indulging in various activities with other guys meant that he lost his trust in me. Eventually, I realised that it was impossible for him to regain that trust as long as the old relationship continued. Communication became impossible, so the relationship had to end. However, now that we're close friends instead, I think that he does trust me again.

Deceiving boyfriend number 1 was a terrible mistake, and I've definitely avoided that mistake with boyfriend T because I've never lied to him. But I'm now sure that the kind of relationship that boyfriend T wants with me is fundamentally different to the kind of relationship that I want with him. For me, a solid domestic partnership is the most important thing in my life. For boyfriend T, the most important thing in his life is hiding his homosexuality. Most gay guys (including me) start by hiding their sexuality, but gradually become relaxed about it and eventually feel able to come out to some (or more) of the important people in their lives. I expected that the same would be true of boyfriend T, but if anything, at present he seems even more wedded to his closeted lifestyle, even though it's been more than twelve years since he's acknowledged to himself that he's gay. I find myself crying when I wonder what it would be like to be an old man walking down the street, seeing my life partner on the other side of the road with some of his old friends, and knowing that he'll pretend that he doesn’t know me if I approach him.

The result of all this is that at present, boyfriend T and myself are continually at war with each other in emails, conversations, text messages etc. Effective communication may have already become impossible, just like it did when my relationship with boyfriend number 1 broke down. I'm now feeling intense anguish about this situation, and find myself reminding myself about The philosophy of Butters Stotch all the time.

This isn't the only problem in my relationship with boyfriend T, but it is the most fundamental. Some of our other problems might have solutions if we could find a solution to this. However, there's been no progress in the four years that we've been boyfriends, so it would be extremely foolish of me to expect any progress in the next four years or even forty years. I think it's true that one shouldn't go into a relationship with anyone on the basis that you're going to make some change(s) to them so that they'll then be perfect. My experience with the coming out process made me think that the change I hoped for would happen naturally, but with boyfriend T, I no longer think that's true. I also thought that if I showed boyfriend T enough love, then I could end up being the most important thing in his life, just like he has become to me. But that hasn't happened.

On the other hand, there are wonderful guys in the world like my Thai friend B. I haven't disclosed this before, but before I met boyfriend T, myself and B did have some very enjoyable activities together :-). B doesn't have a boyfriend, and I don't know what my chances would be to make B my boyfriend, but I'd rather spend the rest of my life looking for someone than end up with a life partner who would deny my existence in some situations.

At present, boyfriend T is working on a project outside the UK, so I can't talk to him face to face. Soon, I'm going to try and have a serious Skype conversation with him. The next time that I blog about him, I may unfortunately have to refer to him as ex-boyfriend T :-((.

Is history repeating itself? Past the point of no return again??

I haven't blogged much about my boyfriends for quite a long time, but hopefully this post will rectify that. However, for people who haven't read absolutely all the old posts on this blog, this post might be a bit confusing! One potentially confusing thing is that back in 2008, I changed the way that I refer to some of my boyfriends on this blog. So to make this post more understandable, I thought that I'd do a little summary of some of the main characters in my life:

• Boyfriend T has been my boyfriend since summer 2009 :-).
• Boyfriend number 1, now known as ex-boyfriend S, was my long term boyfriend from 1989 to 2008. These days I'm happy to say that we're very good friends.
• Boyfriend number 2, now known as ex-boyfriend P, was a boyfriend who might have become my second long term boyfriend after boyfriend number 1. In the end, though, things didn't work out.
• Boyfriend number 3, now known as ex-boyfriend R, was a guy who was almost a boyfriend, and I used to visit him regularly for activities. I think he might still be keen on me, because whenever we see each other, he's always joking about trying to get me into bed again!
• My Thai friend B is a lovely sweet guy who has never been my boyfriend. However, if things don't work out with boyfriend T for any reason, I might try and see whether he's interested in a relationship with me.
• Close Encounters is another gay blogger who I met in 2008 and who's become a good friend.

Back in 2005, when this blog was barely four months old, I wrote a post titled Boyfriend Number 2 - Past the point of no return? Looking back, I was indeed past the point of no return in terms of my long term relationship with boyfriend number 1. That post announced that I was about to go on holiday with boyfriend number 2, and three years later, my relationship with boyfriend number 1 was finished :-(. Although my relationship with boyfriend number 2 didn't last either, as I said in the introductory paragraph above, since summer 2009 I've been with a lovely guy who I refer to as boyfriend T :-).

One of the benefits of blogging is that one can go back and see what one was thinking in the past by reading old posts. Just before I asked boyfriend T to be my boyfriend, I did a post titled An Asian versus a Western perspective, where I describe how we had completely different reactions to a film that we saw together. My view of the film is that the woman played by Kate Winslet ruins her life because she doesn't want to admit her illiteracy to anyone. However, Boyfriend T sees it very differently. His view is that the woman's life is successful, because she achieves her primary life objective which is to hide her illiteracy. I now find that post quite upsetting, because it means that I foresaw what may well end up being be the downfall of my relationship with boyfriend T before it even started. At the end of that post I wrote:

I sometimes get the impression that [boyfriend T] may regard telling [his friends and family] that he's gay as being comparable to Kate Winslet's character admitting her illiteracy.

Four years later, I know for sure that boyfriend T's primary objective in life is indeed to hide the fact that he's gay. Absolutely everything else is secondary to that, including his friends and family, including his work, and including me too :-(. Four months ago, I wrote in another post that

… at some point he's going to have to choose between living a more openly gay life as my partner, or ending our relationship and going back even further into the closet.

The latest twist in our story is that boyfriend T has taken a temporary assignment outside the UK because he believes that it just might end up giving him an excuse for not returning to live in his home country, and which would seem plausible to his family. He's desperately pursing any option that might allow him to escape the ties he has to his artificial straight life, without admitting that he's gay, even if the chances of success are almost zero. He could simply decide to stay with me in the UK anyway, but he feels that doing that wouldn't make sense to his friends and family who don't know that he's been in gay relationship with me for almost four years now.

"I need a holiday," I say to boyfriend T a couple of months ago, "and if you can't come with me because of your overseas assignment, do you mind if I go with someone else?"

"Of course I don't mind," replies boyfriend T, "and in fact I also think that you need a holiday :-)."

"But what about if I went on holiday with my Thai friend B or ex-boyfriend R?"

"No problem if you want to go with them, or go with ex-boyfriend P if you like :-)."

"But you know that ex-boyfriend P has got another boyfriend now!" I reply, "But what would you think if I ended up being intimate with any holiday companion?"

"Sure, why not," says boyfriend T very casually, "do what you like :-)".

When I originally asked boyfriend T about going on holiday with another friend, I actually had no intention of doing so. However, with deadlines approaching which seem likely to force boyfriend T back to his home country, I have now organised a two week holiday with my Thai friend B. If boyfriend T does go back to his home country, I see no realistic possibility of continuing our relationship. Although I've discussed this with him many times, he seems to be in complete denial about the situation.

At least I've done things differently this time. With ex-boyfriend S, I know that I behaved very badly, by going on holiday with ex-boyfriend P without his knowledge. This time I'm going on holiday with someone else with the full knowledge of my boyfriend.

"I can't believe that you actually went ahead and organised this holiday with B," says boyfriend T to me, with a sense of desperation in his voice.

"But you said it would be OK!"

"Yes, but you should know in your heart that going on holiday with B is completely inappropriate as long as we're together! I know that you've always fancied him."

"It's all been booked on a twin bed basis, rather than with double beds," I reply defensively.

We end up agreeing that even though boyfriend T will be out of the UK for several months, neither of us will engage in any activities with any other guys, so as to try and protect our relationship. I actually find Boyfriend T's reaction to my holiday plan quite comforting. Although he usually pretends that he doesn't care whether our relationship lasts or not, perhaps he really does care after all.

However, when I tell Close Encounters about the situation in an email, I can tell that he's a bit sceptical:

"Two weeks with B", he writes in an email to me, "that will test your powers of monogamy :)."

I manage to write advice for other gay guys in my Dear GB postings, and I know from emails that I get that some of the advice that I've given has helped some people. But when it comes to working out my own life, I feel completely helpless. It's kind of a case of "Quis custodiet ipsos custodies?", which means "Who will guard the guards themselves?". To be more explicit, I think this is a case of "Quis suadebit ipsis consuasoribus". That's my best attempt at translating "Who will advise the advisers themselves?"

If you could only keep one memory, what would it be?

Drinking alcohol at lunchtime is a terrible sin. However, today I ended up having lunch in a London pub with a friend and an acquaintance of ours, and the result was that we each drink three pints of beer. But that's the funny thing about sins; it feels so good when one is sinning!

On the way back to my office, while exiting from the tube, I spot a poster on the wall which almost brings me to a complete stop. The poster simply says "If you could only keep one memory, what would it be?" Immediately I wonder what my happiest memories are, and the first two things that come into my mind are boyfriend T and ex-boyfriend S.

With ex-boyfriend S, I have this memory from perhaps twenty years ago. We're both naked at home in bed together, and I'm cuddling him before we fall asleep. It's a completely ordinary night, nothing at all special about it whatsoever, but suddenly for no reason I feel simultaneously both very happy and very sad. I feel very happy because I am so content, just lying there with my boyfriend in my arms, knowing that we have the rest of our lives to love and care for each other. The sadness is because at the same time I realise that both our lives will eventually come to an end, so that the happiness will be limited.

With boyfriend T, it's a much more recent memory from last month. He teases me a lot, and I sometimes even tell him that he teases me too much because I think he does. However, the truth is that his teasing often brings a smile to my face. Just like the memory with ex-boyfriend S, the memory with boyfriend T also relates to being naked in bed with him, and also just before we fall asleep. Suddenly we have a little disagreement, and before I know it, we both end up on the floor and he's tickling me relentlessly! We both laugh a lot, and shortly afterwards we're back in bed and cuddling each other again. Because we were playfully wresting with each other on the floor, I even end up with a carpet burn on one of my knees, even though no sex is involved. In spite of the original disagreement and in spite of the carpet burn, this is still a very happy memory, perhaps because of the spontaneous and unexpected ways in which boyfriend T brightens up my life all the time :-).

Regarding the memory relating to ex-boyfriend S, twenty years ago I didn't know that we were going to end up splitting up. However, these days we're very good friends, and when I'm in London we usually see each other every week if not more often. Hopefully it'll be my relationship with boyfriend T that will last forever instead. If that happens, and if I can also carry on being friends with ex-boyfriend S at the same time, then I'll be a very lucky guy indeed.

Flight

Last week, I went to see the film Flight with boyfriend T. We’d seen a trailer for it a week or two previously, and when we found ourselves at a loose end one evening, we thought it would be work a look. It was a good film, however it turned out that the main plot wasn’t about what we thought it was going to be about.

*** plot spoiler follows! ***

As we’d expected from the trailer, one of the main events in the film is a plane crash that occurs near the start of the film. The pilot Whip Whitaker, played by Denzel Washington, makes some extraordinary decisions and saves the lives of most of the passengers and crew. Notionally the film then focuses on what happened in the weeks following the plane crash. However the real subject of the film is alcohol addiction, because it turns out that Whip Whitaker is an alcoholic. Although he did indeed save all those people's lives when the plane failed through no apparent fault of his own, he was in fact drunk at the time! After denying his addiction in so many ways, the climax of the film occurs when Whip Whitaker finally admits to himself and the world that he's an alcoholic during the public hearing into the causes of the plane crash.

"I don't think I ever want to drink again!" I say to boyfriend T on our way home after the film.

"But you're not an alcoholic, are you?" asks boyfriend T.

"No, but sometimes I worry about myself. Sometimes I do like one or two glasses of wine too much."

"Do you ever drink by yourself?"

"Hardly ever," I reply, "but sometimes when you're away, I see a nice bottle of wine in our kitchen cupboard. If I haven't had a drink in a couple of days I can find it hard to resist :-|."

"Hmmm," says boyfriend T thoughtfully, "then perhaps you're at risk, although it doesn't sound too serious at the moment."

I make a mental note to avoid drinking alone at all costs, but then something else occurs to me.

"Actually, that scene at the end where Whip Whitaker finally admits that he's an alcoholic made me think about you."

"How come?" asks boyfriend T.

"You still deny that you're gay to almost everyone that you know, and just like Whip Whitaker, you're determined to keep it a secret forever."

"I've told you before," replies boyfriend T with an irritated tone in his voice, "I'm never going to come out to anyone!"

"Exactly. It's the same kind of attitude as Whip saying to himself that he's not going to admit his alcoholism to anyone. Of course, being gay isn't an addiction, but at some point in your life you're going to have to come to terms with this."

Boyfriend T doesn't reply, which doesn't surprise me because there's nothing more to say on the subject. However, I often worry about his attitude to coming out, because it seems implausible that this secrecy can last forever. It seems to me that at some point he's going to have to choose between living a more openly gay life as my partner, or ending our relationship and going back even further into the closet. If that day does finally come along, I hope that he chooses me.

Shopping

Last weekend, while I'm away at Cliveden with boyfriend T celebrating our one year anniversary, we start chatting about what's important to us in our lives.

"So how important am I to you?" I ask boyfriend T over dinner on the first night.

"Very important of course :-)," he replies without thinking, smiling at me.

"But how important am I relative to other things in your life, such as your work, your friends, your family etc?"

"I guess they're all important, but there's one equally important thing that you've missed out," he says, with a cheeky glint in his eye, "... Shopping!"

"What?" I reply in disbelief, "you mean that I'm only as important to you as a shopping trip??"

"I really really enjoy shopping!" he laughs, "so all I'm saying is that shopping is important to me as well :-). Don't you just LOVE going shopping?"

"Well it's OK," I answer, not sure how serious he's being, "although I usually get tired of it after a couple of hours or so."

Thinking back, I can remember having a similar conversation with ex-boyfriend P. He told me that he'd sometimes end up on marathon shopping trips with friends, lasting literally all day. On one occasion, he also told me that he thought that I was a bit of a lightweight when it comes to shopping, because I always end up getting bored!

"But do you enjoy all types of shopping," I ask, "including shopping for more mundane items such as toilet paper?"

"Sure," he replies, "it's still shopping :-)."

Actually, I do think that some types of shopping can be fun, for example when one visits all the top fashion stores and tries on new clothes :-). However, I definitely find shopping for every day items a real chore :-(. I've known quite a few gay guys who love shopping, so perhaps boyfriend T's attitude isn't that unusual for a gay man. Since he's still very closeted, though, it may be a problem for him. Some of his characteristics are very straight, but if he wants to hide his sexuality, this addiction to retail therapy is a real give-away!

Anniversary weekend trip out of London

Just over a year ago, I took boyfriend T to watch the Gay Pride parade in London. It was over breakfast the following day that we agreed to be boyfriends! So for our 1 year anniversary of being each other's boyfriend, we took a short trip out of London to celebrate :-). But can any readers guess where we went from the pictures below?

What's the opposite of love?

It's great that boyfriend T and ex-boyfriend S get along with each other. Although ex-boyfriend S and me stopped being boyfriends a couple of years ago, I'm still very fond of him, so it's good that he can be included in the circle of friends that me and boyfriend T are slowly building. However, a few days ago, the subject of my other ex-boyfriend came up.

"So when do I get to meet ex-boyfriend P," asks boyfriend T while we're having dinner at home one evening, "I'm ready :-)."

"I don't know," I answer, with a disgruntled tone in my voice, "I broke off all contact with him when we split up. If I ever see him again it'll be too soon :-(!"

"Hmmm," replies boyfriend T, "so you still have feelings for him!"

"What do you mean?" I snap back at him, "he seriously misled me, and although I don't actually hate him, any feelings I have for him are very negative."

"But you obviously still think about him sometimes."

I'm still thinking about the fact that ex-boyfriend P sometimes does come into my thoughts when boyfriend T has a question for me.

"Anyway," continues boyfriend T, "what do you think the opposite of Love is?"

"Hate, of course, why?"

"No it's not," answers boyfriend T sagely, "the opposite of Love is Ignore. Even if you hate someone, then they're still in though your thoughts, so there's something that they can probably do to alter your perception of them. However if you don't even think about them, then that's the furthest possible distance from Love. Love can turn to Hate quickly and vice versa, so if you think about it, you'll realise that they're quiet close!"

It's an interesting idea which had never occurred to me before, so later I do a bit of research on the internet. It turns out that boyfriend T isn't the only person who thinks that way, because I find the following quote from the American psychologist Rollo May:

Hate is not the opposite of love; apathy is.

Although I remain unconvinced, I can't help wondering whether any readers have any thoughts on this subject?

Meeting the family

"I should go and see my family sometime before Christmas," I tell boyfriend T over dinner one evening last November, "do you want to come with me and meet them all?"

"That's quite a big step," replies boyfriend T, looking slightly nervous.

"I think I told you before that they don't have any issues with the fact that we're gay :-)."

"Well, I guess I should meet them at some point," he admits, "but can we leave it until next year?"

In the end, a few weeks before Christmas last year I go and visit my family on my own, on a weekend when boyfriend T knew that he was going to be otherwise engaged. However, just over a month ago, I realise that there'll soon be another opportunity for a family visit.

"Have I told you that several members of my family have birthdays in February?" I ask boyfriend T one evening.

"No, I don't think so," he replies, "why do you mention it?"

"Well, because of the birthdays I often go and see them in February," I answer, "so perhaps we could both go this time?"

"I suppose I should meet them, now that we're living together," sighs boyfriend, clearly not completely comfortable with the idea.

"Don't worry! They'll all love you :-)."

"But perhaps ex-boyfriend S can come along too?" asks boyfriend T hopefully.

Indeed, boyfriend T and ex-boyfriend S have been getting on well with each other, ever since the two of them met last year!

"Sure, we can ask him," I answer. "After all the holidays that the two of us had with all of them, I sure they regard him as part of the family now, so they won't have a problem with it :-). But why do you want him there?"

"I want someone there who'll be on my side!"

It turns out that ex-boyfriend S is available, so when the day arrives, the three of us hop on a train together and settle down for the journey.

"Just don't leave me alone with any of them," says boyfriend T to me and ex-boyfriend S, early on in the journey, "because I won't know what to say. I don't want any awkward moments!"

"OK sure :-)" I reply calmly, and ex-boyfriend S nods his head.

"Have you ever met the family of any of your previous boyfriends?" asks ex-boyfriend S.

"I used to talk to the mother of my last boyfriend on the phone," answers boyfriend T, "although I never actually met her!

"I guess that counts for something :-)," I say.

Eventually we arrive at a train station in the middle of the countryside, and as planned, my sister is waiting for us just outside.

"This is boyfriend T :-)" I say to my sister once we've got into her car, "and this is my sister!" I say to boyfriend T.

The two of them exchange a couple of polite sentences, and soon my sister is driving us to her house. On arrival, boyfriend T meets my niece and my sister's husband, and shortly after that my mother arrives so he gets introduced to her too.

"How you doing?" I ask boyfriend T quietly, when we get a moment to ourselves.

"OK," he replies, "but I still wouldn't know what to say so don't leave me alone. I mean it, don't even go to the toilet!"

A restaurant had been booked for lunch, but before we leave my niece takes us to see her two horses, so boyfriend T gets introduced to them too! Half an hour later we arrive at the restaurant, and once my nephew and my father have arrived as well, the introductions for the day are complete.

For the meal, the nine of us sit down at a round table, with boyfriend T sitting in between me and my sister's husband. Although the conversation is a bit difficult to start with, bit by bit I can see boyfriend T relaxing, and gradually things start to become a bit easier. After the meal we all head back to my sister's house.

Sitting around in front of one of the open wood fires in my sister's house, my niece starts asking boyfriend T a bit about his home country in Asia. But after a few minutes, my sister's husband has a question.

"Isn't it true that they eat cats and dogs in some Asian countries :-)," he asks, with a smile on his face.

"Yes I think so," replies boyfriend T, "although as far as I know it's not very common these days."

"It's just that I saw you looking at our cat," continues my sister's husband, still smiling, "perhaps thinking ... that looks tasty, where's the salt and pepper!"

I can't help myself from laughing, because although his comment could be construed as a bit racist, I know that my sister's husband means it as a joke! Luckily boyfriend T laughs too.

"I hope you didn't take offense at that cat and dog comment that my sister's husband made," I say to boyfriend T later, on the train back to London.

"In the past he's made jokes about my background too!" adds ex-boyfriend S.

"I know, everything's fine :-)," answers boyfriend T, looking much more relaxed than he did on the morning's journey.

"Of course," I reply, "the good thing is that if they feel able to joke about that kind of thing with you, it means that they feel comfortable with you. Welcome to the family!!"

The housing arrangements

A couple of months ago, I'm chatting to boyfriend T over dinner in a restaurant. As I look lovingly into his gorgeous eyes, I can't stop myself from asking him an important question:

"T, why don't you move in and live with me full time?"

"Wow," he says after a short stunned pause, "that's a big step!"

"Yes, but it makes so much sense :-)," I reply hopefully, "after all, you spend a lot of time at my house anyway."

"I know, but don't forget that none of my friends or family know that I'm gay :-(. So what happens if any of them come and visit me in London?"

"Well, I'm sure we could put them up in our home :-)."

"But then they'll see that I sleep in the same bed as you!" he says, shaking his head at me, "I know that I could save a lot of money by moving in with you, but for now, paying for my own separate accommodation to make sure that nobody finds out I'm gay is money well spent!"

"Awwww ..."

"Don't worry, maybe one day ..."

Before I ever asked T to be my boyfriend, this was the main thing that worried me, namely the fact that he is so closeted. So after that brief conversation, I thought it best to drop the subject of whether we should live together or not. I figured that I needed to give boyfriend T a bit of space, to sort out matters in his own mind.

A couple of days ago, boyfriend T is staying round my house for the night. When it's time to go to bed, I end up using the bathroom first, so I'm first into bed. The good thing about being first into bed is that I get to watch boyfriend T taking all his clothes off, which I always enjoy :-).

"GB ...," says boyfriend T as he pulls down his undershorts.

"Yeah," I answer, paying more attention to boyfriend T's beautiful buttocks instead of what he's saying.

"Do you remember that chat that we had, about whether I could live here?"

"Yes of course."

"Well," says boyfriend T, taking a deep breath, "Do you still think it would be OK if I moved in with you?"

"Yes of course :-), wow, are you really thinking about coming to live with me :-))."

"Well it's so hard living in two places, because I've got some stuff here and some stuff there, you know! But I might need you to put a bed into that room that you've said could be my study, so that if any friends come to visit then I can pretend that I sleep there."

"OK," I reply, "I'm sure we can sort something out!"

"Don't get too excited just yet though," he cautions, "because I'm not sure yet! The main reason for moving in would be so that we could be together :-). But I'm still worried about outing myself."

The next morning, I give him a key to my house while we're having breakfast together. Previously, he'd always refused to take one, but this time he accepts. I still don't know whether he'll come and live with me yet, but just knowing that he's seriously thinking about it makes me happy :-).

A trip to watch London gay pride

"Did you know that it's London gay pride day next Saturday?" asks my friend T, when we were cuddling in bed one morning about ten days ago.

"Oh really?" I reply, "Actually I didn't know. Shall we go and march in the parade then?"

"... NO WAY!" replies T, almost speechless that the idea of joining the parade even occurred to me.

"Well how about we just go and watch it then?" I offer, snuggling into his naked body from behind.

"Yes, actually I'd like to see it :-). I've never seen a gay pride parade before!"

"OK great," I reply, holding him tightly, "so we'll watch it this year, and then we can march in the parade next year!"

"In your dreams!"

I don't pursue the subject, and on the day of the parade, we go shopping in the morning before taking up a good position to watch the parade along Oxford Street. It takes the parade just over an hour to pass, during which time T takes lots of photographs.

"So what did you think?" I ask him afterwards.

"It was good," he says thoughtfully, "although I expected more outrageous costumes!"

"We'd probably have to go to the gay Mardi Gras in Sydney if you want to see totally outrageous!"

In the evening we have a party to go to, and as usual when I take a new friend to meet some of my friends, everyone wonders whether T is my new boyfriend. The same thing had happened a couple of weeks earlier when I'd taken my friend who sometimes gets hayfever to meet some other friends. On that occasion, when someone had mistaken us for boyfriends, my friend who sometimes gets hayfever had been quite uncomfortable with the idea. Later on the same night I also heard him say that he prefers being single. But at the party after the pride march, T didn't seem to mind being mistaken for my boyfriend, although of course he had to tell people that we weren't together.

So lying in bed with T the following morning there's just one thing on my mind. Should I ask him to be my boyfriend? And if so, what exactly should I say? And when, but perhaps it would be better to leave it a week or two, and if he does want to be my boyfriend then when should we discuss what we want from the relationship, and does he want to live with me, and what about monogamy, and what about if he ends up having to go back to his home country, and what if I’m always the boyfriend who doesn't exist because he's so closeted, and, and ...

A couple of hours later, we're having breakfast with each other and I simply can't bear it any more.

"Um, T," I start, in a matter of fact voice as though I'm about to ask him to pass the orange juice, "would you like to be my boyfriend?"

Initially he's completely startled and looks away, unable to believe that I've asked him that question out of the blue. But then he looks at me and I smile, and when a big smile comes over his face I know that I'm going to get the answer that I'm looking for.

"Yes," replies boyfriend T, "we should try :-)."

Because he has to go, we don't have much time to discuss anything, but it doesn't matter. I feel so happy :-)))). We'll be able to talk about everything over the coming weeks.

Despite all my concerns and all the angst in my recent posts [1, 2] about "Should I?" or "Shouldn't I?", in the end I was powerless to take any other course of action. I love the guy, so rational thought is impossible! It's all very well being rational when I'm answering the "Dear GB" emails that people send me, but I guess that that's only possible because I'm disconnected from their lives.

"Don't forget," I tell him as he's leaving, "you'll be able to march in the pride parade next year holding your boyfriend's hand :-). That would be OK wouldn't it?"

"Maybe," he says, giving me a kiss, "let's see!"

Sounds like there's been a bit of progress already :-).

An Asian versus a Western perspective

A few months ago, I went with T to see the film "The Reader", starring Kate Winslet and Ralph Fiennes. One of the reasons that I wanted to see it was that Kate Winslet won an oscar for her role, and indeed, it's a good film.

*** plot spoiler follows! ***

The initial scenes of the film occur shortly after the end of the Second World War. The basic plot is that Kate Winslet's character likes being read to, and gradually as the plot unfolds, one discovers that the reason for this is that she's illiterate. Another secret of hers is that during the Second World War she was a guard at the Auschwitz concentration camp. Eventually she and some other women end up being put on trial for what they did while they were guards at Auschwitz. However, during the trial it turns out that Kate Winslet's character is so ashamed of being illiterate that she won't even admit it when accused of doing something that she couldn't possibly have done because of her illiteracy. The result is that she's sentenced to life in prison, while the other former guards get off with relatively light sentences.

The day after we saw the film, I end up discussing it with T. I may not have mentioned this before but T is Asian, and until recently had lived all of his life in his home country.

"It was fascinating how Kate Winslet's character wrecked her life because she couldn't admit that she was illiterate," I say, feeling pretty sure of my conclusion.

"Actually," replies T, "I didn't see it like that at all, because she got exactly what she wanted."

"But how can you say that?" I ask, astounded that T sees it so differently. "If she'd have admitted that she couldn't read or write then she wouldn't have wasted away in prison for all those years."

"That's true, but for her that wasn't the important thing, because if it had been then she would have admitted her illiteracy. She didn't want to lose face and admit that she couldn't read or write. As it turned out she was able to keep her secret, so she succeeded in her most important objective :-)."

I'm shocked at T's rational analysis of the situation, because that conclusion would never have occurred to me. One can still debate the subject of course, because arguably Kate Winslet's character would have had a happier life overall if she'd admitted illiteracy and avoided the life prison sentence, or early on in her life had made learning to read and write her objective instead.

The fact that T can see some things so differently to me means that it could be a fascinating and rewarding experience if I end up being his boyfriend. However as I said in my previous post, I worry about how closeted T is, and how he can't imagine admitting that he's gay to his straight friends and family. Indeed, I sometimes get the impression that he may regard telling them that he's gay as being comparable to Kate Winslet's character admitting her illiteracy! However, the good thing is that in the film, eventually Kate Winslet's character learned how to read and write :-).

A chat about my potential boyfriends

"Your recent comment which mentioned the film Shortbus made me laugh," I tell Close Encounters over dinner recently.

"You haven't seen the film, have you?" asks Close Encounters. "As I recall, I mentioned the scene where a guy tells his therapist that he needs to love everybody, which prompts his therapist to slap him!"

"No I haven't seen it, but I guess I should. That guy could so easily be me, because I fall in love so easily. Although once I've fallen in love I think I'm quite loyal to the guys that I'm in love with, until they make it clear that they don't want my love."

"So how many guys are you in love with at the moment?" asks Close Encounters.

"Well I guess there's my friend T, and there's also the guy who sometimes gets hay fever. I could quite happily be the boyfriend of either of those guys, but I think I prefer T."

"I don't know how you manage seeing more than one guy at once," says Close Encounters, shaking his head. "I'd be worrying all the time about making sure that I don't get my dates with them mixed up!"

"I don't find that bit a problem," I reply, "I reckon the hard thing is remembering all their different personal details, names of colleagues, and names and age of siblings, and so on!"

"But when was the last time that there was only one guy in your life?"

"Probably 1994," I laugh, "when I was still being monogamous with ex-boyfriend S. Actually, when I first started blogging I did a post about the origin of my infidelity!"

"Well given that you've been living like that for so long, don't you think it's unrealistic to jump back to being in a committed relationship with only one guy?"

"I suppose I don't want to commit to monogamy, but I do want to give up cruising and devote time to other projects. I'm sure that that's possible if I can find myself the right boyfriend :-)."

"In that case, I think you should try going for one month just seeing a single guy, to see if giving up cruising is realistic for you. T perhaps? Do you think you could do that?"

"Well it wouldn't be a valid test unless we're living together, would it!" I object. "Anyway, although I love T, there may be a problem there."

"Which is ... ?"

"Well he's just so closeted. None of his family or straight friends know that he's gay, and he's terrified that they'll find out. So unless he confronts this issue at some point, I'd have to be the boyfriend that doesn't exist, and I don't like the idea of that. How on earth would it work if his family visited and we were living together, which is the way I'd want it. And if his family thinks that he doesn't have a partner then it's reasonable of them to expect him to put them first in many types of situation, and he probably would too, to keep the lie going. So if he commits to a gay relationship, I can see that he might not end up being able to fulfil his commitments to me :-(. But, but I do love him ..."

"Awww how sweet! So I guess you forgive him his faults then?"

"Well yes of course, but I'm trying to think with my head as well as my heart. If we end up being boyfriends, I can see that he might end up breaking my heart even more than ex-boyfriend P did :-(. I really don't know what to do ..."

An unexpected txt msg

During 2008, on one occasion I chatted to ex-boyfriend R online, and then a few months later we exchanged a few txt msgs. He let me down badly at the end of 2007, and on neither occasion when we were in touch did he come close to apologising for his behaviour. On the contrary, he seemed to be after an apology from me!

Then, out of the blue, yesterday afternoon I receive a txt msg from him as follows:

Sorry to learn you have split from you boyfriend :)..hope you're not too sad x

So I send him a simple reply:

Thanks for your thoughts.

The curious thing is that ex-boyfriend R knows none of my friends, and I've never met any of his friends either. So there's absolutely no way that he could know what's been going on in my life. Unless ... unless I've got a new reader?

A reliable guy from Hong Kong

Last month, I met several nice guys while I was on holiday in Thailand, but there's a guy that I haven't written about yet who's worth a special mention.

After my massage at the Babylon sauna in Bangkok, I look round the complex briefly before joining my Thai friend B who's sitting by the swimming pool.

"How was massage?" asks B once I've pulled up a chair beside him.

"Pretty good actually," I reply, and I proceed to tell B exactly what happened.

"So no happy ending after all," laughs B.

"No, but I guess there was a bit of minor stimulation! Anyway, have you looked round all the facilities here?"

"Yes, all very interesting," replies B, "I been once before, few years ago, hasn't changed much I think. But why don't you go see if you find nice guy in sauna or something? Just to test of course! You could try to look at them, and see how they look back at you, if they smile or anything :-)."

"I suppose I could do," I say slowly, not sure exactly what's on B's mind, "will you come with me?"

"No, I seen already, happy here :-)."

B is always so coy when it comes to gay stuff, men, cruising, boyfriends or anything like that. Indeed, I'd love to have a deeper relationship with B but it never seems possible to make any real progress in that direction! We continue chatting for a while, but he seems more intent on reading his newspaper so I decide to go and have a look around the complex again to see what I can find.

After wandering around for ten minutes or so, I decide to try the dark steam room. As I said in my previous post about Babylon, wandering hands in that steam room can be quite good fun, and needless to say that means my hands as well as the hands of other guys! Indeed, after a few minutes I find myself standing next to a guy who's about the same height as me, and soon we start exploring each others bodies :-). I decide to moving round to stand face to face in front of him which, given the way he's tied the towel around his waist, will give me easier access! Even though I can't see what he looks like at all, after a minute or two I wrap my arms around him and give him a hug, which he reciprocates. After a bit more exploring with our wandering hands, we find ourselves hugging again, and we end up standing there for a couple of minutes with our arms wrapped round each other. It feels very comfortable, in the arms of a like-minded guy, and surrounded by the warmth of the steam.

"Why don't we go somewhere more private?" he whispers to me.

"Hmmm, yes," I reply quietly, "that would be nice :-)."

Emerging from the darkness, we're both dripping wet from the steam when we get our first proper look at each other. Of course, this kind of cruising is very much like a lucky dip, because one has no idea what kind of guy one will end up with! But it turns out that the guy I've been hugging is a nice Chinese-looking guy :-), probably in his mid-thirties. We smile at each other, and I get the impression that he's equally happy with the outcome.

"By the way, I'm GB," I say to him, making proper eye contact for the first time.

"OK, my name is C :-)," he says smiling back at me. "Are you British?"

"Yes," I reply, "how could you tell?"

"The way you speak!"

We chat a bit more as we head over to one of the areas where private cubicles are located, and it turns out that he is indeed Chinese, living in Hong Kong. Once inside, we lock the door behind ourselves.

The room is just the standard type of space that one gets in these kinds of establishments. The door and walls are all painted black, and there's a padded mat for us to lay on about the size of a single bed, conveniently located on a wide ledge which is at the same height as a bed would be. On the wall there's a tissue dispenser with a small bin underneath, and apart from that the only other thing is a hook for us to hang our towels on. Needless to say, the covering for the padded mat is plastic so that it's easy to wipe down if it gets dirty for any reason!

Hanging my towel on the hook, I stand there naked and give him a quick kiss on the lips before lying down on the mat. He joins me and soon we're hugging each other again, just like we had been in the steam room but now in more comfort and privacy. We lie there for quite a while, just kissing and cuddling and playing with each other a bit, and things gradually seem to be reaching their natural conclusion when he whispers something in my ear.

"I'm really enjoying your company and I don't want it to end, so let's not cum just yet!"

"OK sure," I say, happy just to lie here enjoying his intimate company.

"Actually, why don't we go and have a drink or something together, and then we could come back here later if you like :-)."

"Um, sure, why not!"

Although I think it's a nice idea, it seems like an unusual request. Usually in these kind of places, if one meets a nice guy and one ends up in a private cubicle, one enjoys each other's company for a while and then one says goodbye afterwards when one leaves the cubicle. I wonder briefly whether he doesn't like me after all, so that perhaps this is just an excuse to leave me in the bar so that he can go and find someone else. But of course, if that is the case it would be foolish to carry on playing with him because it would be likely to end badly somehow. So I decide to take the request at face value. In any case, he does seem like a very genuine guy so a drink with him would be nice :-).

Putting our towels back on, we try to re-arrange ourselves to make our recent excitement less obvious before opening the door and heading to one of the bars. On our way to the poolside bar I run into my Thai friend B who quickly tells me that he's heading home. Although I like B a lot, given that I've now got a new friend this suits me perfectly.

"So do you come over to Bangkok very often?" I ask him once we're seated at the bar.

"Not very often. Actually I was meant to be going away to China for the weekend with some friends, but they cancelled on me at the last minute, so I decided to come here instead. How about you?"

"No, this is my first visit. But from what I've seen so far I really like it :-)."

We order some drinks and chat for a while, and gradually we find out a bit more about each other. I tell him about my banking job, my boyfriends and ex-boyfriends, and I find out that he's got a sales job with a high-tech firm in Hong Kong. After about half an hour we both feel slightly hungry, so we decide to move into the restaurant for a bit of food.

"Actually I'm very impressed with this place," I tell C while we're waiting for our food to arrive. The best gay sauna in London is probably Chariots, but the whole place is focused on cruising so the bar and snacks they provide aren't very good. But the menu here is excellent!"

About forty five minutes later, we head back to find a private cubicle again to finish what we started over two hours ago in the steam room. We don't rush, and we have a wonderful time with each other. Afterwards, for a while we just lie there naked together, holding each other tightly while listening to the music that's being played on the speakers throughout the complex.

Oxygène Part IV by Jean Michel Jarre has just started playing and I'm really relaxing listening to it while holding C in my arms at the same time, when suddenly he has something to say to me:

"Actually, I think I should go. Sorry, but I have to catch my plane back to Hong Kong!"

He'd told me earlier that he was flying home that night, so although it seemed kind of magical relaxing there with C and listening to that tune, I accept that we need to get up because he can't miss his flight! Before too long we're heading to the locker room together.

We take our spare towels from our lockers and make our way to the showers where there turns out to be a queue. Eventually one of the shower cubicles becomes free. C is in front of me in the queue so he goes in, but he then turns and smiles at me and beckons me to join him. We shower together, washing each other's backs, before drying ourselves and heading back to the locker room to get changed.

"Shall we keep in touch?" asks C as we head down the stairs towards the exit.

"Yes, sure, that would be nice :-)."

It's not clear how our friendship can possibly develop given that we live on opposite sides of the world, but at least if we exchange contact details we're keeping our options open so I give him my mobile phone number.

"Thank GB, I'll send you a txt msg when I get to the airport so that you've got my phone number too!"

As we wander together down the street outside Babylon on our way back to the main roads, we spot a free taxi so we flag it down.

"You take this taxi," I tell him, "after all, you've got a plane to catch!"

"OK thanks :-)," he says, and we give each other a hug and a quick goodbye kiss.

"I'll send you a txt msg," he says, climbing in to the back of the taxi, "enjoy the rest of your holiday!"

I watch the taxi turn around, and then as it heads away from me I see C waving to me from the back seat. I wave back to him but very quickly he vanishes from sight and he's on his way.

Later that evening, I reply to his txt msg, and to give our friendship a chance I decide tell him my full name and personal email address. To my surprise, the next day I find that he's used the information to find me on facebook and send me a friend request :-). I readily accept the invitation, but after exchanging a few messages with him the conversation dies so the communication stops.

A couple of weeks later and it's the day that I split up with ex-boyfriend P. That evening, while I'm feeling very unhappy about the break up, I spot a missed call on my mobile phone from an international number that I don't recognise. Luckily whoever it is has left a message, but the connection was very bad and it's hard to make out what the voice is saying. However, listening to the message a second time, to my surprise I realise that C has phoned me all the way from Hong Kong! Immediately I try phoning him back:

"Is that C?" I ask when a guy answers.

"Yes, who is that, is it GB?"

"Yes! Thanks so much for phoning," I say, "it's so good to hear a friendly voice :-)."

"Well, I saw your status update on facebook saying that you'd split up with ex-boyfriend P, so I thought you'd appreciate a phone call!"

We chat for around twenty five minutes. He's quite right of course, on 'big event' days such as when one breaks up with one's boyfriend, it's really nice to chat with someone. He tells me that he'll probably be coming to Europe later in the year, so I ask him to let me know his schedule when it's decided in case we can arrange to meet.

"Anyway GB," he says at the end, "if you ever need someone to talk to, you can always phone me. I think I'm reliable."

The last sentence really rings true with me. Throughout my life, I must have met many thousands of people, but very few really reliable ones. Somehow, through the conversations and emails that we've exchanged, I think I can tell that C really IS reliable. After all the problems that I've had with ex-boyfriend S, ex-boyfriend R and now ex-boyfriend P, I could really do with finding a solid and reliable boyfriend.